there are spots that are conducive for work and there are spots that are impossible for one to hold even the simplest of thoughts for a second.
i work in the latter.
to manage anything takes the either an ignorance or a willpower that is beyond comprehension.
no part of my life has been allowed to rest easy for more than a few moments at a time. whether interrupted by actual tragedy or the learned behavior of waiting for the other shoe to drop anxiety is ready to come in at any time to destroy those times and ruin them forever.
since childhood i’ve been closely watched by it and kept under its thumb. from terrible sickness, death, loneliness, etc. i am forced to believe that there is no other kind of life for me but one of constant unease and motion.
and i believe this is reflected in my work more than any other theme. i can’t settle, i don’t hold to any theories or beliefs, there is nothing in man worth saving. we readily destroy all things that are good like angry toddlers wanting more candy and being denied.
i’m a vagrant, a wanderer, constantly searching for something that’s definition has been lost a long time ago.
been trying to write this for the past 2 hours but have been having no luck.
the notion as it stands of consciousness, et al. is ridiculous. from what method do we diagnose it and it’s perception of reality?
a -> b -> c?
wakefulness and mindfulness?
sleep? lucid dreaming?
electric impulses bouncing around the skull?
who pays the light bill?