there i am – easter 1986. the easter bunny had been generous with a new transformer.

i am also wearing pajamas that are advertising for Centurions: Power Xtreme – a cartoon that existed from april to december of the same year.

i don’t remember that cartoon anymore than i remember the boy in the photo.

i’m very pale because i was often sick and spent the majority of my time indoors and should, roughly, be in first grade which marked a significant beginning of the end in terms of who i was.

over the coming years i’d go from whoever that was to someone far more cynical, depressed and alone but i don’t feel like going into that tonight. mostly, this is a wondering about who that kid is.

i watch my son and can imagine that i was similar.

i know then that this kid would have been happy with that transformer along with the rest of the easter basket stuff. and there’s vague recollections about going to bed way too excited for sleep but also waking up excited and feeling happy.

but i want to know more. i want to talk to him, warn him about the future, about school and growing up, but i know he wouldn’t believe me – there’d be no reason for him to.

past that i mostly remember a constant question: why?

it was - and is - a tormenting question. it is one that accepts circumstances but still wonders about them and their necessity because the mind tells you that most situations that warrant a “why” never had to be that way to begin with…if only.